The Three Stages of Abusive Behavior

The stages of abusive behavior are the same whether it is a man being abusive towards a woman, a parent abusing a child, or a bully preying on another person.

1. The Tension Stage

The abuser gets angry, criticizes, and threatens in order to control the victim who lives in fear and anxiety. The tension builds, and the intensity mounts like a rumbling volcano.

2. The Explosive Stage

Here is where the act of abuse takes place. The volcano erupts as the abuser pounces on his prey in the form of verbal abuse, physical violence or sexual violence. The victim suffers the pains, the bruises and other invisible marks deep within the soul.

3. The Honeymoon Stage

This is the make-up and kiss-up stage. The abuser introduces the honeymoon stage with apology and asks the abused for another chance. Based on the abuser's apparent remorse that may be accompanied by sobbing, weeping and tears, the abused is made to feel guilty for the abuser's behavior. "May be I deserve it. If I had not said that or done that, he would not have said or done what he said or did. I shouldn't make him mad. I put him up to it. I'll do better next time."

The abused may actually apologize too by saying something like, "I'm sorry too. It's not all your fault. I share some of the blame. Don't feel so bad. Let's put this behind us and move on."

With that the abuser and the victim may engage in sex or some kind of gift giving as an attempt to have a "loving" relationship. However, the honeymoon stage only insures that the pattern (tension, explosion, and honeymoon) is bound to repeat itself many times over. Research shows that the typical abused victim leaves and returns to the abuser seven times before leaving for good.

There are three simple steps to surviving abusive behavior; the end game is for you to break free from the abuser.

• First, realize it's not your fault no matter what you do. There is nothing you can to change the abuser and his behavior.
  
  
• Second, realize help is available. The abuser does not want you to know there is help. He wants you to feel helpless. In the United States, there is the National Domestic Violence Hotline; phone 1-800-799-7233 (1-800-799-SAFE); website, ndvh.org, for help where you live.
  
  
• The third step is to realize you are not alone. Millions of others are suffering the same fate. That means there is nothing particularly wrong with you. There is only one reason why you are being abused: The abuser is an evil person like all the other abusers out there.
  
  

One married woman who for years lived the stereotype of leaving and returning to her abusive husband finally woke up to the true nature of the beast: In an abusive relationship it's not a matter of winning or losing the game; it all comes down to getting out of the game.

~mogama~