The Art of Saying I'm Sorry: How to Apologize Like You Mean It
Posted: Thursday, January 07, 2010
by Mogama
http://www.mogama.info
Because we are morally frail beings, we need a system or process for mercy. Confession, repentance or apology offers us that gift, that opportunity to make it right...for a second chance. But what goes into saying "I'm sorry" and really mean it? Let's use excerpts from three high profile apology statements to discuss the elements of an effective apology.
Professional golfer Tiger Woods said in his statement on December 2, 2009, "I have let my family down and I regret those transgressions with all of my heart. I have not been true to my values and the behavior my family deserves."
In reference to his pointing unloaded guns at some of his teammates in the team's locker room, Washington Wizards' point guard, Gilbert Arenas said, "I should not have brought the guns to DC in the first place, and I now realize that there's no such thing as joking around when it comes to guns - even if unloaded."
2. The Confession: Admit the wrong you have done. Here you should spell out the seriousness of your action. Leave no room for excuses, rationalizations or cop outs. Don't get defensive in any way.
Ohio Gov. Bob Taft said in August 2005, "I am here today to publicly apologize to the people of the State of Ohio for my failure to provide complete financial disclosure statements to the Ohio Ethics Commission as mandated by law. My office had a system in place to ascertain the value of tangible gifts in order to report them as required. Regrettably, I did not establish an adequate system to monitor the value of golf outings and other social events."
3. Full responsibility: Take the blame for your action . When apologizing for wrongdoing, you never want to spread or share responsibility with anyone else. Blame no one but you. Make it clear you alone are responsible for this.
Gov. Taft nailed it when he said, "I accept total responsibility for my mistake." That's how you say it...directly, not by implication.
4. Sincerity and Request: Make it clear that you are sincere; say you're sorry and ask for forgiveness . People need to know you speak from the heart. Your body language, especially expression, needs to match your contrite words. Here, tears can be the contrite's best friend. Show your sensitive side, because the forgiveness you need and seek is more a wet emotional response than a dry intellectual reaction.
Gilber Arenas got it right: "I am very sorry..."
Gov. Taft: "I have personally failed to live up to those expectations, as well as the expectations of the public, and I am disappointed in myself... Words are not adequate to express the remorse that I feel personally for the embarrassment that I have caused to my administration and to this great state."
5. Your Victim(s): Include and address those affected by your wrongdoing . When we do wrong, real people get hurt in some way. We must directly apologize to those we have wounded or let down.
To that effect, Tiger Woods stated, "Elin has always done more to support our family and shown more grace than anyone could possibly expect... For all of those who have supported me over the years, I offer my profound apology."
Gov. Taft said, "I want to offer my sincere and heartfelt apology to my family, friends, staff members, and all those who have supported me. Most importantly, I want to apologize to the citizens of Ohio."
For his part, Gilbert Arenas said, "I am very sorry for the effect that my serious lapse in judgment has had on my team, my teammates, the National Basketball Association and its fans. I want to apologize to everybody for letting them down with my conduct..."
6. The Promise: Make a pledge and offer to do better. Make amends or cooperate as expected or needed. This final step may take the sting out of the words of cynics who say, "He will do it again", or "He will never change."
Tiger Woods: "I will strive to be a better person and the husband and father that my family deserves."
Arenas: "...I promise to do better in the future... I stand ready to continue to give my full cooperation to them and to the League as they investigate this incident."
Gov. Taft: "I have a renewed commitment to correct the problems that contributed to this situation and have already taken steps to do so...(I) hope and pray that you will accept my heartfelt apology and allow me the opportunity to restore your trust."
Indeed, it involves tact to apologize in a way that reaps (1) forgiveness from the offended and (2) a fresh start for the offender. Keep both goals in mind the next time you say, "I'm sorry."
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Sources: USA Today; Mo' Kelly Report; TigerWoods.com
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Top-level comments on this article: (7 total)Mogama,This is a wonderful article but I do question Tiger Woods' statement about not being true to his values. When you are sleeping with that many women and the little women is home with the kids, you have no values.Thanks for a good write.Please log in to respond to this comment.You do have a strong point there, Nancy. Perhaps Tiger was referring to the "values" his parents tried to teach him...maybe. Thanks for your comment. ~mogama~Please log in to respond to this comment.One of Tiger's lovers is writing a tell all book where she claims that Tiger also slept with men and had threesomes very often.Please log in to respond to this comment.Oh, no! That will only prolong Tiger's comeback!! Thanks, Paul, for your input. ~mogama~Please log in to respond to this comment.This article underlines your basic kindness and inspired outlooks.Please log in to respond to this comment.Thanks, Paul, for your encouraging words. I take them to heart. Blessings to u-:) ~mogama~Please log in to respond to this comment.
Very nicely stated, sir. Taking full responsibility is the one aspect many celebrities and politicians tend to leave out when making their apologies, or rather, sounding sincere when taking responsibility. In Mr. Woods case, he seemed more or less blindsided, as if he was stunned the rules of society applied to him. He also said he would strive to do better.Mr. Arenas, on the other hand, said (promised) he would do better. As Yoda once said long ago, there is no 'try'. There is do, or do not.Again, well done.Please log in to respond to this comment.Yes, Michael, technically these two celebrities might not have satisfied the need for a genuine apology, but I give them the benefit of the doubt. Who knows? Only the near future will confirm or disprove if they sincerely apologized. Thanks, my friend, for taking time to read and comment. ~mogama~Please log in to respond to this comment.
I enjoyed your article. Which, I believe, is about how to apologize like you mean it. I would like to say that it doesn't apply to me but that would be a lie. I hope I don't have to apologize to often, but, at least I will be better equipped when I do.Please log in to respond to this comment.Thanks, Curtis, for reading and commenting. Glad to know you find the article useful. ~mogama~Please log in to respond to this comment.
You should add a step at the beginning. Apologize only if you are truly sorry for your actions. Never apologize just because you got caught and it's expected of you. Talk is cheap. Good article Mogama, you offer some good points.Please log in to respond to this comment.You're right, Brianna: "Apologize only if you are truly sorry for your actions." Thanks for your contribution. ~mogama~Please log in to respond to this comment.
I believe you left one step Mogama. If you are forgiven by those whom you owe apologies to. You must be able to forgive yourself. Sometimes this can be very hard to do."good article"Please log in to respond to this comment.Thanks, David, for your input. ~mogama~Please log in to respond to this comment.
Great article Mogama although I first took your title, "How to Apologize Like You Mean It", to mean "How to Apologize Like You Mean It, Even if You Don't" - I would have used "How to Apologize And Mean It"Please log in to respond to this comment.Yes, WhiteGyr, your shrewd observation captures my point. This article was written to cover both types of apology makers: the one who really means it, and the one who says the right words as if he really means it. ~mogama~Please log in to respond to this comment.
thanks for writing this one Mogama - it covers the bases and had aptly worded examples. Forgiveness sets one free! MarijoPlease log in to respond to this comment.Thanks, Marijo, for your input. ~mogama~Please log in to respond to this comment.
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