Why New Year's Resolutions Fail; I Must Confess
Posted: Saturday, January 02, 2010
by Mogama
http://www.mogama.info
As a devoted resolution maker and one
who failed more often than I succeeded, I have analyzed the reasons
why I kept failing to achieve my resolutions until just few years
ago.
My resolutions often fell flat because
they were nothing more than a faint wish that I made simply because I
felt like I had to do something new to match the newness of a coming
year.
I never wrote down my resolutions to
make sure they were clear, rather than vague statements. I
did not realize I needed to make each resolution a written promise
that was as binding on me as a legal contract.
Though I made a resolution, I was
neither ready nor willing to significantly change my habits. I
thought a new year's resolution was more about turning a new leaf
than changing the tree, starting with its roots. Often I settled for
a superficial change instead of a systemic change that would deal
with the root cause of the problem I wanted to solve or the new
normal I wanted to create. I wanted to change how I looked or what I
did without first changing my thinking and beliefs. I was unwilling
to "rewire" my brain or renew my mind, so no hyped hopes were
strong enough to transform me.
Most
of my resolutions fit what psychology professor Peter Herman
called the "false hope syndrome". That meant my resolution
was 'out of alignment with my internal view of myself.' As Ray B.
Williams, co-founder of Success IQ University, puts it, I made
positive affirmations about myself that I did not really believe. Not
only did my positive affirmations fall flat, the failure damaged my
self esteem.
I failed because I wrongly assumed that
changing just one area of my life would automatically transform my
entire life. As Williams says, "You may think that if you lose
weight, or reduce your debts, or exercise more, your entire life will
change, and when it doesn't, you may get discouraged and then you
revert back to old behaviors." That was so true of me.
The other error I made was to state my
new year's resolution on December 31 or January 1, then stop
repeating it. I didn't realize that I had to restate my new promise almost every day for it to remain fresh on my mind so it could influence my attitude and impact my actions. It took years for me to learn
that a new year's resolution must become every day's promise and expectation for
it to survive 365 days.
Failure became a pattern because I gave
no one the right to hold me accountable. Now I know that an
accountability partner is as important as my resolution itself. That
umpire is my wife whom I update on my progress throughout the year.
Also, success eluded me when I strove
for giant steps instead of a series of baby steps on the path to
reaching my destination. Not only that, but I delayed celebration until
achieving my big plan; instead, I should have celebrated every small
achievement along the way.
When I slipped or faltered, I would
resort to self-flogging, which made me feel even more miserable. Thus I began
to dread making any more new year's resolutions, which had become
yearly reminders of my lack of resolve.
I guess the biggest reason for my
resolution defeats was that I never connected them to my spiritual
life or to the source of my moral strength. I thought it was all about finance,
health and my willpower to pull it off. Each year I told myself, "I
can do this. I can do this." But now I have learned that such inflated confidence in myself is contrary to my spiritual belief
that I humbly look to and partner with Christ as the One who gives me the inner strength for the moral
resolve to achieve. Once that truth dawned on me, I began to
imitate that great first century missionary, Paul, who said, "I can
do all things through Christ who strengthens me."
At this point in my life, unless a new
year's resolution has any connection to my spiritual well being, my
important relationships or my moral integrity, it is not worth my
time, thought or attention.
Your last paragraph sums it up perfectly. Very well done!Please log in to respond to this comment.I appreciate your kind comment, Michael. ~mogama~Please log in to respond to this comment.
Mogama,My point exactly.
There's a lot more to it than merely making a resolution because of significant change in some arbitrary time tracking device: Gregorian calendar. To make real change takes months if not years of focused internal change in attitude, skills, and character. How did I overcome shyness, severe introversion, depression, suicidal tendencies, addiction even? Not by making a resolution based on some random, insignificant event. Just like 90% of diets fail most will fail if they are, first of all, not focused and have made a serious commitment, or as I ask my clients to make "a promise" (that word really seems to make it stick ;=), and they have help. Few can make serious change alone. The most successful know this, even the Bill Gates of the world have advisers or coaches.I have a similar feeling about all this emphasis on the holidays and the parroting of "Merry Christmas" and "Happy New Year." Do people think about why they say these thing and what they really mean? What they are really celebrating if anything of importance or significance whatsoever? Hardly, sadly enough. Sure, it may put a tinge of kindness in the heart of the say-er and recipient, but if based in things that are meaningless or not representative of what they truly represent, then, as you've stated so succinctly "it's not worth my time, thought, or attention."In order to find greater happiness, meaning, and success in one's life it MUST be based in the significant and meaningful or that which lasts longer than a season. Only here do we find true joy and true, deep, lasting happiness. Why do you think so many get depressed around the holiday season? Focus on the insignificant and fleeting. Just like the focus on new year resolutions.
May we all take the time in our lives to focus and find that which is, as you've alluded to, lasting, eternal and significance to find true success, happiness, eternal joy, even. Thanks for your, once again, great thoughts and meaningful, well-thought out insights of significance and import. Peace to you, my good man.
Here's a brief list of calendars in current use that could have been arbitrarily chosen to emphasize my point: Akan, Assyrian, Astronomical year numbering, Bahai, Bengali, Berber, Coptic, Discordian, Ethiopian, Fiscal year, Germanic, Hebrew, Hindu, Indian national, Iranian, ISO, Irish, Islamic, Japanese, Juche, Julian, Kurdish, Lithuanian, Malavalam, Maya, Nanakshahi, Nepali, Nepal, Minguo, Romanian, Runic, Tamil, Thai lunar, Thai solar, Tibetan, Zoroastrian.
Please log in to respond to this comment.There you go, my man Jeff, ever the instructor! Don't see you dropping that professor hat any time soon. Frankly, I did not know there were so many calendars around. Point well made and well taken. Thanks for sharing those precious thoughts here. ~mogama~Please log in to respond to this comment.Yeah, sometimes people think me preacheth too much ;=) But I can't stop trying to help. I know people who wield knowledge or insight like a tool for ego enhancement, but those who've used it with humility and an intent to better other people's lives have always been my mentors and guides. Thanks for the great article.Please log in to respond to this comment.
I think it's good when people set realistic goals for themselves and try to make positive changes in their life. As long as they're aware as you said, that any one change isn't going to 'fix all'. Best to start working on positive changes from within, which are more likely to add happiness to your life and to those around you.Please log in to respond to this comment.Yes, Briannia, including the happiness of others in your quest for happiness is essential. I have often found that I am happiest when I contribute to the happiness of others. Thanks for your input. ~mogama~Please log in to respond to this comment.
