Marriage Makers or Marriage Breakers: Five Major Areas of Marriage
Posted: Monday, March 16, 2009
by Mogama
http://www.mogama.info
Are you married? Do you counsel or coach soon-to-be married couples? Do you mentor newly weds? Do you help the long-time-married work through their problems? Do you lead or want to start a marriage enrichment group or service? If you answer Yes to any of those questions, you can save yourself a load of crap by targeting your efforts at five major areas of a marital relationship. How couples struggle or succeed in these areas will largely determine the quality of marriage they will enjoy or endure. The five areas could be considered the building blocks or wrecking balls of marriage. If the married couple handles these five areas well, they will reap the delicious fruit of a fulfilling marriage, even an elongated honeymoon. If the couple bungles these areas of their relationship, their marriage may become at worst a poisoned meal served on a plastic platter, at best a mediocre co-existence adorned with two bitter hearts, or typically just another relationship time bomb waiting to explode into tiny gory pieces of broken hearts and fragmented lives.
1. In-Laws or Third Party.
Since John and Mary got married three months ago, Mary's mom has
called their home at least once a week for a lengthy conversation
with her daughter. When Mom calls, she never wants to talk to her
son-in-law. Instead, she asks her daughter various questions about
John and about the young couple's relationship. "How's he treating
you? Does he help around the house? What does he get paid? Does he
like your cooking? When does he come home from work? Are you sure
he's not cheating on you?"
Unless Mary puts up some boundaries
that her mom must not cross, this marriage is already in deep
doo-doo. You can bet that John is probably resentful of the
situation. Besides interference by an in-law, the
intrusion of any significant third party may shipwreck a marriage.
2. Children. Among the issues
involving children are these: Did either couple bring children from
another relationship into the marriage? How many children does the
couple want? What do the couple believe about the right way to rear
children? What values will they instill into their children? What
measures of discipline does the couple consider acceptable? For
example, is spanking allowed? At what age may a child start going on
dates with someone of the opposite sex? In addition, a child may
learn how to turn Mom and Dad against each other, as the child finds
one parent to be permissive and the other restrictive.
3.
Faith or Religion. It may make for a happier marriage for two
atheists to tie the knot than for a Muslim to marry an atheist. Even
if the couple belongs to the same religion – say Islam – it can
still make a difference in their marriage whether or not they belong
to the same denomination (branch) of Islam. There will be major
conflicts of beliefs if one is Shi'ite and the other Sunni. In the
same way, just because both husband and wife are Christians does not
mean the end of faith fights. If the husband is a Baptist, and the
wife a Catholic, there can still be serious head-on collision. Also,
if one of the Christians in the marriage is pro-choice and the other
is pro-life, there may be heated debates that may test the strength
and stability of the relationship.
4. Money. According to eHow
editor Julia Fuller, financial stress in a marriage can reduce
intimacy, increase arguments, and contribute to health problems.
Financial guru Dave Ramsey attributes up to 75% of marital conflicts
or divorces to money matters. The reverse of this statistic can mean
that if a couple agrees on finance, about how to handle their income,
they have solved 75% of their marital problems. Perhaps no tool works
this money magic in marriage as effectively as a written financial
plan, otherwise known as a budget, that both mates promise to follow
from month to month.
5.
Sex. Let's face it: one reason some of us chose to
marry is because we have sex drives that we want to fulfill in a
responsible way that can benefit society. Part of the marriage deal
is to meet each other's sex needs. How a couple manages or mismanages
their sex life can make, weaken or break their relationship. It is
dangerous for a couple to start using sex as a leverage or for
selfish reasons. The typical wife may cut back on sex or refuse to
have intercourse when her man does not help with housework, or
doesn't treat her right in other ways. The typical husband may show
no affection to his woman except in the bedroom when he suddenly
"wants some". Using sex (or money) as leverage or fix can weaken
or wreck a marriage. Often a marriage counselor may probe for days
only to find out that all the fuss has really been about the
three-letter word.
As would be expected, all five major
areas of marriage are often interlinked. Challenges, failure or
success in one area sends a ripple effect across the other major
areas. On the other hand, great sex or financial harmony can be a
sign of a marital relationship that is healthy in the other major
areas.
Very true, sir. This is a well written article and contains words of wisdom for any one married or contemplating marriage. I know that bringing children from a previous marriage has it's own unique problems.Thanks, Ken, for seeing value in this article. Enjoy your day! ~mogama~
Enjoyed your article. Hope people that need help will heed your words.Hi there, Linda. Thanks much for reading and commenting on the article. I've shared much of this counsel with couples over the years, and still do. But more than that, I need it too in my marriage. ~mogama~
