8 Reasons Your Teenager Wants Sex, and the 1 Thing Every Parent Can Do

Besides the biological fact that their hormones are raging like a house on fire, why are teens having so much sex? In his book, How to Help Your Child Say NO to Sexual Pressure, which is recommended reading for every parent, author and speaker Joshua McDowell discusses several causes for teenage sexual activity. Let me rephrase Mr. McDowell's discussion. 1. That good feeling. Teens have sex because they want to feel good. Sex is designed to feel good. One teenager said, "Where I live, many of my girlfriends and guy friends are involved in sex because they just to do it. When I ask them why, they usually say it makes them feel good..."

2. Fear of losing boyfriend or girlfriend. A teenage girl may give her boyfriend sex, so that she can keep him. Here is a frequent story: The movie is over. Mary and Joe get in the car and drive away. Joe pulls off the road into a dark spot and stops the car. He turns, looks at Mary with passion oozing from his piercing eyes, "Mary, do you love me?" Mary says, "You know I love you with all my heart." Joe says, "Then prove your love to me by having sex with me." Mary asks, "And if we don't have sex?" Joe replies, "Then I can no longer be your boyfriend."

3. The encore fever. Sometimes a teenager will have sex simply because he or she has done it before. She may say, "I've messed up already, so why stop now?" Or the thinking may be the teen's hope to find in this new sexual encounter what the previous one failed to deliver. May be this one will be different and special. Unfortunately, the sex-craze teen may experience letdown after letdown with every sexual act.

4. Equating love with sex. The typical teen has been brainwashed by the media, television, movies, and pop culture to think "sex equals love". This mindset reduces love to performance. Parents can be the first to create this distorted thinking when we base love for our children on their performance, like doing their chores or making good grades. In the words of McDowell, teenagers need to realize that "Love is not an act; love is a commitment" (page 37).

To drive home this point, McDowell cites Chicago Tribune columnist Roger Simon, who featured the story of a young woman who sought love through sex. Here are some excerpts: "When I was 12, my mother told me about sex and how it wasn't right until marriage. But I was looking for love. (So) I fell in love. But I let the guy know I wasn't going to have sex with him. That was for marriage. And he said, 'How am I going to marry you if we don't find out if we're compatible first?' I liked him. I loved him. So I did it. And he liked it. And we got engaged. And then he dumped me. I felt hurt and used. I never should have done it. If I had held back, he would have respected me. I did it because I wanted him to love me. And that was stupid of me. Making love doesn't make them love you" (pages 41-42).

5. Desire for intimacy or fear of loneliness. Next to boredom, the other thing young people are most afraid of is loneliness, the thought of being alone. One teen wrote, "It is obvious that the emotion teenagers fear most is loneliness. The thought of being without love leads most teenagers to believe that sex leads to love." Paraphrasing psychologist Rollo May, author McDowell writes, "we use the body as a buffer to avoid psychological intimacy" (page 40). McDowell also quotes one sexually active youth as saying, "It is far easier today to bare your bottom than to bare your soul" (page 41). This teen is admitting that sex ends up being a cheap substitute for the true intimacy teens want and need.

6. Peer pressure. Josh McDowell cites several teenagers:

"My three closest friends were all sexually active, or at least said they were, from our sophomore year on. It seemed as if they always got the girls, even though all they would talk about was using them, and how they 'got a piece last night'."

"My parents are always telling me what to do and what not to do. I hate their nagging. Besides, everyone has done it. Nobody's a virgin."

"The peer pressure by friends is probably the hardest to face as a virgin, because people will tease. 'It's fun, you're missing out. Are you chicken or something? It's great. You won't get pregnant'."

McDowell says peer pressure "becomes a kind of 'moral blackmail'. The basis for this blackmail is the group's power to accept or reject" (page 37). According to the author, the "single most effective deterrent to negative peer pressure is a good self-image. The secure teen is the only one most likely to withstand peer pressure" without caving in (page 38). Parents can equip their teens with such a secure self-image by teaching them that they have great worth as persons made in the image of their Creator, who loves them just as they are.

7. Rebellion. Some teens use sex get even or settle scores with their parents. McDowell writes of one rebellious teen, Jessica, who organized a party in her home. All party attendees were paired teens, who later entered various parts of the house to have sex. "Jessica led Joe into her parents' bedroom and they had sex that night in her parent's bed. It was the ultimate way Jessica could think of to rebel against her mother and the hurt she had caused" (page 38).

8. Curiosity. There is a mystery that surrounds sex. So teens are naturally curious about sex. What does it feel like? Is it really as great as they say? (page 39). Parents who never tell their teens that Mom and Dad do have sex serve only to heighten this air of curiosity. A parent can help "take the mystique away from sex" by showing affection to Mom or Dad. McDowell writes, "Our goal as parents is not to keep sex among teenagers unknown, just unexplored" (page 40).

In the face all these reasons for teens to have easy sex, what is the most important thing a parent can do to reduce the chances of his or her teen having sex long before the adolescent is emotionally mature and ready to handle the consequences of sex?

One word: fellowship. McDowell uses the word "relationship". But I prefer the word "fellowship", because as a parent or guardian you already have a parent-child relationship that can never change. What you need is fellowship, which is a close relationship, quality relationship, or parent-child intimacy. Fellowship is anything you do with your child to keep the relationship fresh, lively and satisfying. Through fellowship, you offer the youngster an alternative to cheap sex, an alternative that is fulfilling, something that will satisfy the teen's emotional and psychological needs.

A teen who finds fulfillment in a close relationship with her dad, mom, guardian or mentor is less likely to seek the feel-good drug of easy sex. Here is one practical way to nurture fellowship with your teen: Take him or her out regularly. Once a week, one every two weeks or once a month, when you can spend some quantity and quality time together. Talk and listen to each other. Plan this regular date with your teen, so that it does not become boring. If you know teens, you know that "bored" rhymes with "hell". So keep your time out exciting, interesting. Based on the child's age, ask what s/he wants to do on your next date or time out. By such regular fellowship, you will disarm many of the forces that pull or drive your teen into the sex slum where many disappointed, disillusioned teens wallow in regret, remorse, and self-pity brought on by the unadvertised results of cheap, free sex.