Mr. Evangelical Sells Sin Ticket

Hi, America, Mr. Evangelical here. You've heard of the Ten Commandments. But now, God has shown the human race, well, the American people in particular, a better way. In my consultation with the Big One, He (yes, He's not a She) revealed to me the reason why He and I had to find a better way.

This new way has everything to do with the urgent need to overturn that demonic Supreme Court decision known as Roe v. Wade, that vile ruling that legalized abortion in our country some 35 years ago. I have suggested to the Almighty that His plan of using the Church as "salt of the earth" and "light of the world" has not been working very well. I also briefed the Good Father that His strategy of preaching the Gospel to change the hearts of people, so they can understand that life begins at conception, is just too slow. Frankly, I told God that the born-again clan has dropped the ball. Hence, we need now to look, not to Jesus Christ, but to politicians who can bring about the moral transformation we need to make every American voter a pro-life warrior.

From now on, this will be the plan of salvation: If you are a politician, with a pro-life voting record, then your life will be really easy as far as Mr. Evangelical and his disciples are concerned. However, you must agree with the Almighty, and sign a pledge, through me of course, that you fully support the reverse of Roe v. Wade, so that abortion will become illegal in America again.

If you are our kind of politician, then here is what I'll give you: The Pro-life Sin Ticket. You have no idea how powerful this ticket is. With the Pro-Life Sin Ticket, not only are you bound for Heaven, you will have a catch-all license to break everyone of the Ten Commandments. That's right: any of them! I'll return to this point.

As a proud ally of Mr. Evangelical, you are now free to connive with lobbyists and steal from the American tax payers. With my Ticket, you are now divinely authorized to commit all the corruption and ethical lapses you can handle. I won't hold it against you. Neither will the Lord. Isn't that great?

If you are a married politician, with the Pro-life Sin Ticket, you can cheat on your wife or husband. And you can do so many times over. Why refrain from going after that 20-something you've been digging? If she loves you half as much as you love her, let the flirting begin. You can start sleeping with her any time you wish. You're even clear to swap your wife for that new sex partner of yours. Adultery has no power against the Pro-Life Sin Ticket. Add divorce to adultery, and you will appreciate the full power of this new-found moral tool. Look, Mr. Evangelical will even perform the wedding to your second, third, or seventh bride, if your own minister, who is under that obsolete moral code, won't do the ceremony.

You, young person may want to know if the Pro-Life Sin Ticket is for you too. The short answer is yes, but you must agree to side with me in the political culture war. For your sake, O young ones, I am revising my stern stance on abstinence education. Well, I will still sound that way, but not to worry. Now, if you buy my all-season sin pass, I will relax the standards, so you can start having sex with your boyfriend or girlfriend. That only makes you and your family regular Americans like me. But no condom; that's a no-no. And don't worry about the pregnancy that may result from pre-marital sex. Just promise me and Father God that you will keep the baby (remain pro-life, that is), and marry the father-to-be. You're good to go; you're sin-free by my standard, and that's all you need to know.

It is not possible to list all of the sins covered by the Pro-Life Sin Ticket. If you can think it, it's covered. Believe me, this ticket is like whole-life sin policy. To put it another way, it's your full-coverage sin insurance. Consider the Pro-Life Sin Ticket as powerful as the blood of Jesus against sin. Well, almost. The only difference between the blood of Christ and the Pro-Life Sin Ticket is this: the latter was designed for politicized Christians in mind. And it remains the law of Heaven as long as abortion remains the law of our land. Once Roe v. Wade is overturned and the sin of abortion is no more, my unique sin ticket will have served its purpose, and it will expire automatically.

It is my firm belief, and God agrees with me, that once that hellish law (Roe v. Wade) is outlawed, there will instantly and miraculously be zero abortion across the fruited plain. Yes, the abortion rate will suddenly drop to zero. Every pregnancy will result in the birth of a baby. The Holy One has assured me that every American will be pro-life the moment the Supreme Court overturns Roe v. Wade. Can there be any greater hope for our beloved nation?

Some of you may be curious to know the price tag of the Pro-Life Sin Ticket. The Great One won't allow me to post the price for the general public. To know YOUR special price, you must call the order line, or log on to order-your-sin-ticket.com. The price I quote you may be different from the price another sin lover paid. Don't let that bother you. Just remember that no matter how much you end up paying for the sin ticket, you will never regret the price, since, except for abortion, it covers all sins anyway, including every sin forbidden by the Ten Commandments – adultery (+ divorce + remarriage numerous times over), covetousness (greed, corruption, the kind that threatens or destroys the economy), murder (homicide), etc. You won't need to worry about the Ten Commandments, as long as that sinful abortion law stands.

It may really bless your heart to know that I have persuaded Yahweh (Jehovah) to fully sign on to my grand plan. Yes, I have His signature to prove it, and I can wave the divine contract at you, if you demand proof. The Pro-Life Sin Ticket is not only God-send, it's God-signed, and you have Mr. Evangelical's word on it. Call or log on now to order. This thing is flying off my shelves like vultures after dead flesh.